KAOSletters

Can you set an end to struggle… by struggling more?

[6 min read] Dear Nina, I got late today to see the sunset. Still, the brief (but sublime) heavenly canvases that I saw today have officially announced that the rainy season is over. The change of the seasons starts subtly. Until they brutally transform into real experiences that mark our days, dictate our wardrobe, habits, and all those other aspects of daily life’s spectrum.

The seasons have changed me
Now in a latitude like Central America, seasons are limited. In the past, I wouldn’t have noticed when they change because I certainly took it for granted. Rain and no rain, wind and no wind, hot and hotter…that was all I perceived. But now, the ending of the rainy season has marked something in me. I was sunk into this depression of frustration in the past months. Until the end of the rainy season made me stop. So, I started to appreciate everything around me, all the opportunities that were unfolding.
I didn’t see this thing coming
In April, I started working with a friend on a project of his. Then, he asked me to be his equity partner, and I jumped on the boat. All the guy had to offer was a seat at the table. Still, I went head first. Now, we’ve been collaborating ever since. It’s a startup, so I’ve been working on my freelance stuff at the same time, earning little, sometimes not getting paid. But: I’m enjoying some good perks like art parties, beach getaways and of course the occasional mid-of-the-week drink binge. Yeah, we’ve been pushing, and now we even started a totally new „business unit“! It’s an incredibly well-selling and highly addictive commodity called coffee. I seriously had no idea what partnering up with this guy would bring me. Just last week, we crawled through the highlands of Mittelamerika, searching for the best coffee beans… Actually, I’m mind-blown to discover how coffee is grown. We’re exclusively partnering with coffee communities that operate green and are fair to the farmers. Given that these communities are well organized, the entire coffee business helps them develop. The idea is to go global with all this. Europe is one target, so hopefully, I’ll be soon back at the big EU riding the coffee cloud. Still, there is lots of hard work to be done.
Why is there still so much work?
I’ve come to the conclusion that offices are not for me. Ever since all of this, I’ve been with the idea of working from anywhere. Don’t get me wrong, I need (and I miss having) my working space, my studio, my mess. But hey: Little by little. Something keeps me going. I guess when you ask god for strength, he gives you tough situations. In the end, you even discover hidden or rusty talents. It is so difficult to understand. It is hard for me, but the picture gets clearer. When we take away the veils of defeat, frustration, anger, regret, and all that shit we poison our heads with, we start seeing the bigger picture. I remember our friend Waina, who told me to focus, be humble, and let go into what one wants. I guess that’s what corporate people call „setting a short-mid term plan.“ The most rewarding happening credited to my transition was the reunion of my family. My sisters, my mum and I. The four of us hadn’t been together since my dad passed away 15 years ago.  It’s been such a true blessing. One day, I want to take mum somewhere beautiful where she’s never been.
I just lost my wallet and so much more but got love in return
There’s been one event that has rattled me: I lost my wallet. Losing private documents here is sketchy. Not like in Europe. Anyways, money (just some Guatemalan notes), credit cards, ID: all this doesn’t matter. What really did: the little souvenirs inside. Train tickets from Ireland, subway fares from Munich, stamps from Vienna. A prayer from a random girl, protection amulets, notes of motivation by mum & grandma. Business cards. Rolling papers. I was enraged. I cried. I became very, very paranoid (identify theft is real here). But I stopped. Again. Instead of contaminating my head with dreadful scenarios, I carry all my vivid souvenirs in my heart. From now on, I will be even sharper, watching my back.
What’s next?
I find myself frequently giving advice. Sometimes, it takes me to places and people I’d rather skip.I have learned to channel energies and not to be sucked in. I’d instead help others find their way out. I love to support everyone, I genuinely do. You and anyone can always reach out to me. I will be there. Well, Nina, I guess I should’ve written you an email. That’s a bit of what’s going on at the moment. Yeah, I’m still standing, still believing, missing you all beautiful souls. But it’s nice to know that you and my tribe are out there. Thanks for listening. God bless good vibes, big hug. Renato.